Four Reasons Sam Didn’t Hug Castiel [1/1]

[geenoway]

Title: Four Reasons Sam Didn’t Hug Castiel
Author: smallearthcat
Pairing: Sam/Castiel
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Episode 6x12, missing scene.
Summary: There's a reason Sam didn’t hug Castiel; here are four of the possible ones.
Disclaimer: Supernatural does not belong to me.
Author notes: Comments and con crit. are much appreciated.



I.


"Sam, it's so good to see you alive."

Sam pauses for a moment, his voice caught in his throat, because although he already knew Castiel was still alive, seeing so firsthand really cements it for him. "Yeah, you, too."

And then Castiel takes a step toward him, opening his arms and raising them a little, and oh God, he wants a hug. Sam quickly sits down, and Castiel drops his arms immediately.

"Um, look, I would hug you, but..."

"It would be awkward."

Which is not exactly what Sam was thinking, though it's probably true. No, the real problem is that the second Castiel appeared in front of him, Sam had sprung an erection like he hadn't since he was young enough to get it up with no provocation whatsoever.

It's bothersome enough that it even happened, because really, Sam had thought he was getting over the weird little...crush, he guesses it is, that he's had on Castiel since Cas had started treating him like a friend. The last thing he needs to do right now is make a pass at an angel, especially one whose help he needs at the moment and who would have no idea what the hell was going on, anyway.

So he goes on and does what he intended to do anyway, and starts not-so-subtly pumping Castiel for information about the past year. It's a difficult conversation, though Cas gives up the information easily enough, because Cas might not be the most observant being Sam has ever met, but he knows if he doesn't try to curb his feelings, Cas will catch on.

They cover all the major events (the ones Cas has been around for himself, anyway) that have gone down, and Cas even imparts a little of what has been going on in Heaven. Sam can't figure out what to say, or how to react to any of it, so he just thanks Castiel quietly, and in the blink of an eye, Castiel is gone again. It's easier to talk his erection down now that the stimulus is no longer in the room, and once he does, Sam sits back to think. He's got a little time until Dean gets back, and he needs to work out what he's going to say about the whole soulless year thing.


II.


"Sam, it's so good to see you alive."

Sam pauses for a moment, his voice caught in his throat, because although he already knew Castiel was still alive, seeing so firsthand really cements it for him. "Yeah, you, too."

And then Castiel takes a step toward him, opening his arms and raising them a little, and oh God, he wants a hug. Sam quickly sits down, and Castiel drops his arms immediately.

"Um, look, I would hug you, but..."

"It would be awkward."

Which is pretty much exactly what Sam was thinking, because frankly, physical contact with Castiel is kind of a weird experience. Sam knows his body is a vessel, a normal human body, but there's something about him that just feels...otherworldly. Sam wouldn't know how to describe it if anyone asked, but he guesses it's a kind of tingly, sometimes cold (when he was on demon blood), sometimes warm (when he wasn't) pressure, but well. It's more as if Castiel is touching his insides rather than just a press of skin to skin.

Not that it's bad or anything, but it's an unnerving feeling, completely unlike anything else he's ever felt. So really, it's just instinct that pulled Sam out of Castiel's reach, because he isn't at all sure how he'd react to the prolonged contact inherent in a hug. Rather than over-thinking it, Sam makes that his own awkward introduction into the thing he's actually called Castiel here to talk about.

Castiel spills about pretty much everything Sam wants to know without making any kind of fuss about it, proving to Sam that he really should have gone to Castiel first if he wanted the truth. He gets why Dean and Bobby have been reluctant to tell him about everything, but it's obvious that someone would have slipped up sometime, and he's glad to know about it sooner rather than later.

When they've finished talking, Sam stands and pulls Cas into a tight hug. The contact is just as he remembered it, but with more of their bodies pressed together, the weird pressure is stronger than he's used to, concentrated in his chest, and he can't hold on for as long as he'd like.

"Thanks," he whispers to Castiel before pulling back.

The pressure releases as soon as they stop touching, but Cas is looking at him like maybe he has some idea of what Sam was just feeling. Sam looks away, unable to maintain eye contact under Castiel's close scrutiny. When he looks back up, Castiel is gone. Sam sits back and sighs, wondering if Dean feels the same thing when he and Castiel have contact.

It's a fruitless line of thought, and Sam goes back to trying to pinpoint where the dragon might be.


III.


"Sam, it's so good to see you alive."

Sam pauses for a moment, his voice caught in his throat, because although he already knew Castiel was still alive, seeing so firsthand really cements it for him. "Yeah, you, too."

And then Castiel takes a step toward him, opening his arms and raising them a little, and oh God, he wants a hug. Sam quickly sits down, and Castiel drops his arms immediately.

"Um, look, I would hug you, but..."

"It would be awkward."

Which isn't exactly what Sam was thinking, but it's true enough. He's sure they both remember that it was he - well, okay, technically it was Lucifer, but Sam still recalls it as well as if Lucifer's actions were his own - who was responsible for the whole exploding thing, and while he's extremely glad that Castiel is somehow not dead anymore, he can't help but feel guilty that Cas had died in the first place.

And just...the idea of the guy he exploded to death wanting a hug is a little beyond him at this point. So, avoidance of the issue and back to why he actually asked Cas to come in the first place. He asks somewhat unsubtly about what's been going on in the past year, but Cas doesn't seem to think it's weird of him not to know and answers Sam's questions in his usual forthright manner.

Once Sam knows all Cas can tell him, there's a minute of silence. Sam doesn't really know what to say, and to be perfectly honest, he'd kind of expected Cas to disappear as soon as they'd finished their discussion.

"I'm sorry I killed you." It just slips out, and Sam already wishes he could take it back, but Castiel has tilted his head in curiosity, meaning that he'll have something to weigh in no matter what Sam does.

"You did not kill me, Sam."

"Okay, not technically, but I still remember-"

"It was not you."

"It felt like it was me."

"You were possessed by a demon once, were you not?" Sam nods. "You are no more responsible for the actions of your body while in Lucifer's possession than you are for those while possessed by the demon."

"Cas, I know all that. It's just...it felt different. With the demon, it was like being a passenger in my own body. With Lucifer, it...it almost felt like I was still in control, only I was Lucifer, and I wanted-" Sam's chokes up and has to clear his throat before he can finish. "I wanted to kill you. I enjoyed killing you."

Castiel stares longer this time, and Sam is practically vibrating in his seat with the need for a reaction. Finally, Castiel steps in close to him and grips his biceps, pulling him up and wrapping his arms around Sam. Sam just stands there for a second before he brings his arms up and wraps them around Castiel.

Neither of them moves for a long time, and Sam feels like he's being forgiven, no matter that Castiel obviously doesn't think there's anything to be forgiven. Eventually, Castiel relaxes his hold, and Sam does likewise, backing away just a bit.

Castiel places a hand on Sam's chest, directly over his heart. "You are a good man, Sam Winchester. Never forget that."

In the blink of an eye, Castiel is gone, and Sam slumps back down into his chair. He should be worrying about the dragon, worrying about all the things Dean hasn't told him about the past year, but all Sam can think about is the weight of Castiel's arms on his shoulders, and the weight that's now gone from his chest.


IV.


"Sam, it's so good to see you alive."

Sam pauses for a moment, his voice caught in his throat, because although he already knew Castiel was still alive, seeing so firsthand really cements it for him. "Yeah, you, too."

And then Castiel takes a step toward him, opening his arms and raising them a little, and oh God, he wants a hug. Sam quickly sits down, and Castiel drops his arms immediately.

"Um, look, I would hug you, but..."

"It would be awkward."

Which isn't exactly what Sam's thinking, but it is true. He does wonder why Cas' reaction is to automatically think that it's awkward, because as far as Sam's concerned, it's mostly due to the fact that it just doesn't feel right to hug someone he's brought here on false pretenses, no matter how much he actually wants to. To avoid thinking about it too much, Sam moves right on to asking his questions and gently probing for information without giving away what he's doing.

By the time he's got all the information he figures he can reasonably expect to get, Sam is ready for some time alone to digest all of it. Unfortunately, Castiel remains, even though neither of them seems to have any more to say on that matter or any other.

"I, uh, appreciate you letting me know what you can. With Dean and Bobby not actually knowing everything, well, it helps having different perspectives." Sam feels rotten, rotten, rotten for doing this, but the least he can do is thank Cas, even if Cas doesn't really know what he's being thanked for.

"Dean and Bobby did not tell you anything."

Okay, so maybe Cas does know what's going on. "But...did Dean tell you that?"

"No, but he did not have to. You were trying to hide it, but you were surprised when I began talking about your soul."

Sam has obviously not been giving Cas nearly enough credit if he could figure out something Sam was actually trying to hide. "Then why did you tell me, if you knew Dean hadn't?"

"Dean and I did not agree on the course of action regarding your soul. He insisted your soul be returned to you, and while I am pleased that you are suffering no adverse effects, that does not mean that you should remain unaware of what is going on."

Sam gapes for a moment, because he kind of can't believe that Cas actually went ahead with telling him when he obviously knew Dean would not approve. There's a tightness in his chest all of a sudden, and Sam has no idea what to think about the fact that it sounds like...well, it sounds like Cas chose him over Dean.

Okay, so not exactly, but he did put concern for Sam over Dean's wishes, and as far as Sam is concerned, that's something. Suddenly, Sam can't help himself, and he practically springs up from his chair and throws his arms around Cas. It takes Cas a moment to respond, but he finally lifts his arms up to clutch at Sam's back.

"I'm sorry I tried to trick you into telling me what's been happening." Sam feels better for saying it, though he knows it doesn't excuse lying to his friend.

"It is alright, Sam. Your desire to know is understandable, and I knew what I was doing."

Yes, Sam supposes he did, as unlikely as that seems. It's been a long time since anyone other than Dean has really looked out for Sam like that, and that's what Sam blames when, a moment later, he pulls back just a little and then leans in to press his lips to Cas'. Time seems to freeze for a long second where neither of them moves, and all thoughts fly from Sam's mind.

When Sam's brain comes back online, time seems to speed up, and he only briefly has a chance to wonder if he should pull away before Castiel tilts his head just enough to deepen the press of their lips into a full-blown kiss. If Sam didn't know better, he'd swear that Cas had kissed someone before, because this has none of the first-kiss awkwardness that he might have expected.

Castiel pulls away after what seems like forever, but is still entirely too short a time. Sam doesn't know what he would have expected as the aftermath of a situation like this, but what he gets definitely isn't it. There are no words, no questions, but Castiel doesn't immediately disappear, either. Instead, he lifts a hand to Sam's cheek, stroking it gently.

"I will see you again soon, Sam."

With that, he's gone, which is probably just as well, since Sam has no idea what he would have said or done after that. He flops down on his bed and stares at the wall, not really seeing anything at first. The map takes shape slowly as his eyes focus on it, but dragons have somehow become the furthest thing from his mind.

He knows Dean will be back soon, and he needs to have some clue as to where they should look, but it's difficult to care at this moment. It's difficult to care about the fact that Dean's been lying to him, even, though that and the whole walking around for a year without a soul should be worrying him quite a bit.

Instead, he lies back with a smile on his face, promising himself he'll get back to work soon. Just five more minutes, that's all he needs.